HERE’S A TALE I WILL TELL THAT YOU MAY KNOW AS WELL
OF A LEPRECHAUN, SEAMUS BY NAME
IT WAS SAID WHEN UNZIPPED HE WAS QUITE WELL EQUIPPED
AND THAT’S WHY HE ACHIEVED HIS GREAT FAME
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HE STOOD TWO FOOT ONE - A BUNDLE OF FUN
A LARGER THAN LIFE LEPRECHAUN
WAS IT FABLE OR FACT THAT THE DEVIL’S OWN PACT
MEANT THAT SEAMUS WAS MANY TIMES BORN
HE WOULD COME BACK TO EARTH ‘CAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS WORTH
SPREADING HAPPINESS THROUGH SONG AND DANCE
AND IT’S CLEAR THAT MEANWHILE HE’D MAKE YOUNG LADIES SMILE
WHEN THEY NOTICED THE BULGE IN HIS PANTS
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IN A PREVIOUS LIFE ANN BOLEYN WAS HIS WIFE
BUT HE HAD PRETTY MAIDS EVERYWHERE
WHEN HE WANTED TO FLIRT HE’D SLIP UNDER THEIR SKIRT
AND HE NEVER ONCE CAME UP FOR AIR
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HE WOULD BRING FREQUENT JOY TO SWEET HELEN OF TROY
WHILE PARIS WAS OFF FIGHTING WARS
THOUGH SEAMUS WAS YOUNG HIS FAME WAS FAR FLUNG
HE WAS KNOWN AS HER TROY BOY, OF COURSE
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HE WOULD CUDDLE AND PET
WITH MARIE ANTOINETTE
BUT THEIR LOVE MAKING LEFT SEAMUS ZONKED
MARIE HAD A CLUE
SHE KNEW JUST WHAT TO DO
SO SHE LET HIM EAT CAKE WHILE THEY BONKED
HE WAS JUST LIKE A PET TO MARIE ANTOINETTE
WHEN IN SEASON, THEY’D OFTEN TIMES MATE
AND SHE MADE HIM EAT CAKE. CHOCOLATE PUDDING SHE’D MAKE
BUT SEAMUS PREFERRED STICKY DATE!
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A TRIP DOWN THE NILE THOUGH IT MADE SEAMUS SMILE,
GAVE HIM NO TIME AT ALL TO RELAX
CLEOPATRA APPEARS TO HAVE HELD BOTH HIS EARS
AND ENGAGED IN UNSPEAKABLE ACTS
ON THAT LAST SUPPER NIGHT MARY MAGDELENE WAS TIGHT
SEAMUS KEPT POURING WINE IN HER GLASS
WELL, THEY’D HARDLY SAID GRACE WHEN SHE SAT ON HIS FACE
SEAMUS SAID: “HOLD THE BREAD. THINK I’LL PASS!”
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SOMETIMES HE WOULD STAY NOT MUCH MORE THAN A DAY
THEN HE’D GO BACK TO LEPRECHAUN LAND
BUT HE QUITE LIKED A JAR AND HE LOOKED SO BIZARRE
WITH A PINT POT IN EACH TINY HAND
AFTER ONE DRUNKEN FEAST SEAMUS AMBUSHED A PRIEST
THINKING HE’D GOT THE MOTHER SUPERIOR
THE PRIEST BLESSED HIS LUCK ‘CAUSE HE’D BROKEN HIS DUCK
LEAVING SEAMUS A PAINFUL POSTERIOR IN THE MONASTERY’S OWN CAFETERIA. SEAMUS DIDN'T KNOW WHO WAS THE WEARIER
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